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Bible Bloopers
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:
• In the first
book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He
took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve
were created from an apple tree.
• Noah’s wife
was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in
pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Jews
were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the
unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
apostles.
• Moses led
the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The
First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth
Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is
thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died
before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of
Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a
Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a
race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons,
had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• Jesus
enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do
one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
• The people
who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the
wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by
profession, a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
[These bloopers are said to have been written by actual students and are “genuine, authentic, and un-retouched.” They were compiled by Richard Lederer, and appeared in the 12/31/95 edition of “National Review” magazine.]
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ANXIOUSLY WATCHING FOR MASHIACH’S RETURN,
SPEEDILY AND IN OUR DAY. MARANA, TA!
